Mostly True Tales

Apparently, Apple’s new iPad product is going to be extremely popular with the ladies.

According to a story released this morning from Associated Press, Barack Obama and newly elected Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown are related. They are in fact, according to the New England Historic Genealogical Society, 10th cousins.

Apparently, Obama’s mama and Brown’s mother both descend from a Richard Singletary of Haverhill, Massachusetts, who died in 1687.

If this is true, I’d think it must be rather embarrassing for Mr. Brown. But, maybe not. After all, we’re talking about a man that posed nude in Cosmopolitan magazine.

Hey no problem dude! You look great! More power to you. If it ever comes up, I suggest you challenge Barack to a centerfold contest.

If this news wasn’t shocking enough, wait, there’s more!

The New England Historic Genealogical Society also claims Obama is related to no less than seven other presidents. That’s right, I said 7.

This must be incredibly awkward for everyone involved. Perhaps, more so for the dead rather than the living.

The Society claims Barack Obama is related to George H.W. Bush, George W. Bush, Jimmy Carter, Gerald Ford, Lyndon Johnson, Harry S. Truman, and James Madison. Not to Mention, Brad Pitt.

I am not making this up! How could I? Here is a link to the article.

Genealogists Say Obama, Sen.-Elect Brown Related

I’m having a hard time swallowing this story. I might believe that Barack Obama is related to Idi Amin, but 7 US presidents? Give me a break, or better yet, get me a drink.

Barack Obama and George H.W. Bush are related… Gee Barack, better stop blaming your cousin.

Maybe you owe your cousin an apology for all those nasty things you said and continue to say or imply.

George Senior too? Of course!

Let’s head right up the proposed family tree and do a little fun comparison.

In these shots of Obama and George the 2nd, you can clearly see the similarities in the chin.

As compared with George W. Bush, one can clearly see the same distinguished forehead.

This relationship is most likely due to both families coming from a familiarity with cattle. This shape forehead typically represents centuries of cattle tipping. This condition can also arise from years of playing “Matador” without actually owning a bull.

One can clearly distinguish the simularities in the nose. Obvisouly developed ofter centuries of smelling cash and brown nosing.

Now let’s take a look at Obama and Jimmy Carter. The resemblance is uncanny!

Now this I can believe!

The eyes, the elbows, the mouth, the breasts!

They are identical!

This must be true! How can it not be? AP say’s it is true, so it must be true.

Jimmy and Barack, who’d of thought.

Free Peanuts for everyone!

Let them eat peanuts!

We now enter the Twilight Zone.

Lyndon B. Johnson and Barack Obama.

Let’s see here….

Yes, clearly these two men are related.

Even this young boy can  see that’s true.

He can tell by the feel of Obama’s hair.

“It feel’s greasy”.

Everyone knows Johnson’s hair was greasy. This fact cannot be ignored, they must be related.

Now we come to Obama and Truman.

This is a controversy.

The hair in both these pictures shows a clear relationship. It also shows clearly that Jack Benny is of no relation to either. I’m pretty sure he was Jewish.

Although a Democrat, it is well documented that Truman had a hefty set of testicles and was quite well hung.

Word on the street’s of Chicago is that Obama is also quite well endowed, however his testies are completely internal.

This discrepancy cannot be ignored.

Finally, we arrive at the most offensive descrepancy in the report.

Barack Obama and James Madison.

This must be a joke, and if true, can only be explained by an apparent trait in Obama’s family to mate with everything in sight.

This explains a lot when it comes to campaign finance.

I wonder what a whore cost back in Madison’s day.

I’m sorry, but I have a hard time believing any of this. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong, but I just don’t believe it.

Maybe it’s true. Maybe any black drunk from Africa can come over here, fuck a white woman, and produce a US President. A President that is also related to 7 other US Presidents.

Excuse me while I vomit.

This story is unbelievable. I’m sorry, I don’t buy any of it.

Finally, we have Brad Pitt. If you believe the New England Historic Genealogical Society, Barack and Brad are soul brothers. I’m sure Angie is very proud.

The resemblence is clear.

You got to be kidding. The spin is amazing. You, Barack, are amazing.

You can provide genealogy to 7 presidents, but not a birth certificate that is unquestioned by the people?

Does my story sound offensive and ridiculous? So does yours.

Receive with simplicity everything that happens to you.

Rashi (Rabbi Shlomo Yitzchaki 1040-1105)